Dancing with the Military

When I was seventeen years old I was contacted by Sergeant Steve of the National Reserve. He told me all about the glories that awaited me if I decided to serve my country in the reserves. 2 months of basic training & a few weekends a year. We spoke pleasantly & at length. He was a friendly fellow. I hung up the phone & daydreamed about the National Guard.

Did I dream about camouflage uniforms? The plethora of cute boys that like following orders? The pride I would feel in serving my nation?

Nope – I dreamed about someone screaming at me while I ran for miles with a pack strapped to my back. Without an outlet for quitting, I would absolutely get thin right away! It would be like getting paid to workout with the world’s toughest personal trainers!

The plan did not quite work out that way. After a few days of gorging myself (I’d need fuel for all that running in a few months!) I told my parents about my future patriotic workout regime.

Combine one part incredulity, one part going ape shit & two parts unintelligible Easter European screaming. Boil in the juice of white hot rage & you’d get their reaction. My dad called Sgt Steve & told him in no uncertain terms that contacting his daughter again would result in Sgt Steve getting his shit fucked up. I never heard from him again.

A few of my other (not terribly bright) ‘get thin quick’ schemes were/are:

• Do something to get just famous enough to justify getting on Dancing with the Stars – be forced to dance for up to 9 hours a day
• Order a parasite online – tapeworms come in pill form!
• Wrap myself head to toe in plastic wrap & lay under a heated blanket: sweat myself thin!
• Get rich enough to hire personal trainers to move my limbs around in my sleep – sleep workouts!

I haven’t gone through any of the above, but they’re always floating around my brain. Notice that “eat rationally & move your body around every day” fall precisely nowhere in my plans. That is because this is far too normal & boring. Wouldn’t I rather a horrible parasite (or TV personality) do all of the work for me? I’d be a fool to take the moderate route when all of these excellent shortcuts were just out of reach.

So I’ll keep reaching for (dancing with) the stars. You keep eating sensible portions & working out. We’ll see who wins in the long run.

(****Hint – It’ll be you.****)