Twerk It

Three moves on the dance floor. That’s all I’ve got:

The Electric Slide: This dance is fucking A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. It goes with almost any song ever. Never fails. You can customize it with little kicks! I have this move in the electric slide, when you’re going back (after touching the floor); I wave my hand around at the wrist. It is seriously bad ass. All other group dances are derivative from this multipurpose awesome-fest.

The weird dance floor booty thrust/shuffle side to side: Bopping along to any usual dance type music in a public forum usually involves the weird bouncy shuffle from side to side. If you’re a girl you can also groove that booty out a few times. A dude can try to dance up on that ass (optional) by thrusting his groin at said booty bumping. It’s pretty horrible for all involved. Multiply the horrible by 10,000 if you’re in a circle of people who aren’t deeply impaired by alcohol.

Half Track: Take the running man. Ponder on how one can make it more terrible. Realize that throwing your whole body from side to side is the solution. I learned the half track because there were some “cool” girls in my gym class in fourth grade doing it. I studied their slick moves. Went home. Proceeded to spend 9 months mastering it. Finally! I would be accepted into their awesome dancing clique! Alas, I never had the opportunity demonstrate my half-track skillz. I never got in with the cool girls. I also didn’t get fingered at 13, so you know. Take the good with the bad.

All of my other moves are like the bastard step children of the moves above. I sometimes throw awkward arm thrusts in with my booty popping shuffle. I occasionally drop it like it’s hot (this has never ended well).The cabbage patch makes its way into the repertoire occasionally, but I don't consider it much of a dance as my feet don't have to move about while embarrassing myself with that little number.

When I’m in the privacy of my own home I attempt to master other moves. The temptation to divorce me is typically at an all time high when I demand that Jared witness my sad attempts at Booty Poppin. They look less like the rhythmic shaking of said booty than a horrible medical episode.

So those are the moves. Beyond that I got nothing.

Even our wedding dance was less ‘dance’ than ‘sway & hope no one notices we don’t know how to slow dance’. Maybe someday I’ll take a dance class & figure out how to work it.

In the meantime I’ll stick with the slide.