What you’ll need:
- Hand/Eye coordination….the vaguest semblance of it will work! Got that? Cool beans.
- Foodstuffs! Whatcha got? Water? Maybe a head of garlic? Some gingersnaps? A cucumber? Let’s just roll with it
Optional:
- Heat source! Not a space heater, silly goose! Some fire. Right. Fire. You will control the power of the flame to change the fundamental chemical composition of raw ingredients that will shortly go into your body. Power. Boom.
- Something sharp. Knives are best, but don’t let that derail you – you can use any ole’ sharp thing (even your Pop-pop’s grody fingernails!)
- Seasoning: don’t have salt? Improvise! Make your own seasoning! Stand over your heat source & jump around until you’re sweaty. Now collect that liquid gold & set it aside. We’ll use it later
- Sense of taste/smell: Have Anosmia? It’s ok – don’t cry…please? It’s ok! Shhhh…I didn’t mean to upset you. I just..yes. nuzzle against me for a moment. It’s ok. You don’t really need a sense of smell. We’ll make due
- Someone to feed! That someone can be YOU!
1) Put your hand on your chin. Stroke it & stare off into the distance. Look at your foodstuffs. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Does this need to be cooked? As a rule we do not eat raw poultry or swordfish. You can flaunt this rule, but don’t come crawling to me when you have a 25 foot worm living in your intestines
- Now that we’ve determined what must be cooked, let’s figure out if we want to….
2) Harness the primal forces of fire!!!
- Do your eyes see? Do your hands move of their own accord? Can you hold a sharp object & move it through your foodstuffs? If you answered yes to these questions, congratulations! You can chop! Chop up your sources of sustenance!
- if you want to apply heat, you should try to focus on chopping everything the same size. Don’t go crazy, but if you have a piece of chicken that is one cubic centimeter & another one the size of your fist, one will finish cooking faster once you apply the fire that you’ve harnessed
3) Control your fire!
- Do you want to eat bits of things charred black as my soul? Yes? Have at it! Crank that fire up & go to town! Everything will be ready soon
- Do you want things cooked without being blacked & sad & being a scared child on the inside (oh g-d! someone help me!)….put that fire on low. Take it slow. No shame in your game.
4) Determine if your foodstuff is ready:
- Taste it! Smell it! Look at it! Use Pop-pop’s fingernails to cut it open & check inside! Is it slimey & horrible? Keep cooking. If not, time to season!
- Use that seasoning! Chili powder? Bring it on! Lemon juice? Inventive! A tiny vial of baby tears! Unconventional, but I'll give you points for ingenuity!
5) EAT!!
Rinse! Lather! Repeat! You'll be a cookin' fool in no time!
- Now that you've used knives & fire to batter some raw ingredients into a flavor explosion, it's time to jam it into your food hole!!
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