Sed......uc......tion

I don’t do fancy lingerie. Like…at all. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work.

Prior to June of 2009 I owned a single item of “sexy” underwear. It was a black corset that had formerly been part of a Halloween costume (whip crack!). Sure, I had the usual assortment of lacy panties & thongs, but none of them were coordinated separates. I didn’t have what I would later refer to as any ‘little numbers’. Because I am an AARP member & I call lingerie ‘little numbers’.

My best friend decided to remedy this situation by organizing a lingerie/bridal shower. The invitation specifically stated that I was not a woman who owned any lingerie. It then listed my sizes & instructed all participants to buy me undergarments.

Extremely mortifying on every level.

So here I was, a (formerly) non-lingerie girl in a lingerie world. In the space of one day I acquired a shit-ton of lacey, ribbonny , see through-y things that I was supposed to wiggle into in order to perform the act of seduction. Seduction on a person who had already decided to marry me without the benefit of see through lace & ruffled panties.

I decided to take some of my new ruffles on a test drive. I picked out my favorite little number. White bustier with black accents, frilly thong, black garters, black thigh high hose. I simpered "give me a few minutes while I slip into something a little less comfortable..." at my soon to be husband. I thought this was extremely clever.

I got into 3/4 of the ensemble with no problem. Then came the stockings.

I tugged the hose on & started to snap the garters in.

A few minutes later I was still attempting to figure out the snapping mechanism. Black clasp. Black stretchy satiny fabric. Do I put this little strap in here & snap it? Does this bend this way? How does this stay on?

After about ten minutes I figured out the clasps...in the front. Now it was time to do the back.

I twisted back to reach the back of my thighs. I busied myself fumbling with the clasps & the straps. As the garters slipped through my fingers for the hundredth time I realized that I'd gotten shorter.

Nope! I was slipping. Into the splits. In my stocking feet. With my back garters a dainglin'.

I hit the floor with a grunt & screamed in frustration.

This was about the time the "are you ok!?" calls from the other room increased in frequency.

"GIMME A MINUTE!"

Off came the hose (still attached in the front). With the flaps of black silky fabric dangling in front of me I went to work on fastening the back clasps. Once I had finally achieved some sort of garter fastening it was time to climb back into the hose.

I hopped on one foot while attempting to jam my leg into the dangling stocking. By the time the first leg was done I was covered in sweat & my hair was stuck to my face.

I somehow managed to get the 2nd leg half into the other stocking before calling it a day.

I flopped back on the bed & called to Jared.

"Are you ok?"

"Consider yourself seduced. I'm going to rest."

"Thanks?"

"You're welcome. I'm tired."

Seduction.