Pretentious Wallpaper & Other Trifles

In an effort to get this gravy train rolling down the river I wanted to introduce…well…me. I could go to the effort of trying to capture my personality & all of that the wonder of me entails (masturbatory!). Rather than doing that I’d like to take a page from the newsstand & list some items that I “cannot live without!”.

Typically these sorts of post are the worst kind of glimpses into a self involved mind. (See: http://www.wwtdd.com/2011/08/this-is-why-everyone-hates-gwyneth-paltrow/). Obviously the things that one cannot live without have more to do with food, water & sleep…not crushed pearl night masks to reduce the outward signs of stress from your privileged existence.

Shifting slightly from the “things I cannot live without” I’ll go with the “things I tend to keep on or near my person” :

• Rubber bands: I try to never be more than arms reach away from one of my little saviors. Most people with long hair tend to use hair bands as a miniature security blanket. I see a lot of women in meetings with hair bands around their wrists. I have thick wrists & do not feel like cutting of circulation to my hands, so I typically wrap an elastic band around one of my thumbs. Even when another is holding my hair in what I tend to think of as a “messy yet elegant coil” but what really looks like “ratty half bun for scrubbing the toilet”.

• Underwear: I respect anyone that can go commando. I truly do. Wearing pants or a skirt without panties makes me think of nothing but my genitalia every second. Not in a sexy way. More like in a “WHY AM I NOT WEARING UNDERGARMENTS! COVER MY SHAME! COVER IT!” way. My panty-less distraction is almost palpable. Underwear is key to maintaining a calm disposition.

• iPhone: Yup! I’m that asshole (along with most other people who have a Smartphone). I blame another bad habit that I used to have: Smoking. I smoked cigarettes for years. I was less addicted to nicotine than to the welcome rituals of smoking. The paraphernalia & the ready excuse to slip out of any situation with a feigned plea to my crushing need to smoke. I felt like I had purpose when I had a cigarette to occupy me. I quit smoking 6 years ago & I was lost until I got my first Smartphone. Suddenly I could busy myself with what looked like Important Business! It’s a tiny computer I keep in my purse! A more socially acceptable distraction.

• Mints: A holdover from my smoking days. Idly smoking a cigarette had an air of glamour & romance about it. Smelling like a smokestack did not. I would frantically wash my hands, wipe off my lips & pop several of the strongest mints I could find about 10 seconds after my final puff. A self hating smoker. The tiny sticks of tobacco & fire went the way of the dodo for me. The mint habit remained. Additionally, bad breath is repulsive. People who gross me out with their bad breath are subject to many innovative torture methods in my mind. Outwardly I offer them a mint.

There you have it! Underwear! Rubber bands! Spearmint!

I guess it could be worse. It could be hand painted wallpaper….http://degournay.com/.