Questions. Questions. Questions.

For some reason I decided to list out questions that drive me up a wall. I categorized them. That's how I roll:

General Questions:

What’s new? What’s up? What’s happening? What’s crack-a-lackin?

Nothing. I live a boring life. I like it that way.

Next!

What do you do?

I know, this is unfair. Everyone asks everyone what they do. I get it…I just kinda loathe it. I dick around with spreadsheets & talk to clients & do you really care? No?

I live in Los Angeles. When people ask this question they are actually asking “What can associating with you do to further my career?” If you are in entertainment I can do precisely nothing to further your career. If you have a hidden lust for analytics, well… climb on board the pivot table train! We’re leaving the station to Power Point town! Toot toot!

You work at {unnamed internet company}: could you take at my computer? It’s running slow/weird/infected with viruses…

NOPE! I know jack-shit about computers. My response to any computer problem is to scream in impotent frustration. Then I turn it off & on. Then I ask someone else for help.

Just because I work on a computer all day does not mean that I know anything about them. It’s a problem.

What kind of music do you like?

Oh, fuck me sideways. If I say “everything” then I sound like some dipshit who can’t make up their mind. I’m not. I just listen to…well…a lot of genres. There’s good music to be heard all over the place. It’s also incredibly easy to listen to, between all of the music apps & programs out there. I don’t have to seek out specific albums or artists – I can explore based on things I know I like. I can also take a chance & listen to new things – many of which I end up liking.

People who say “I love everything but country music” drive me insane. You think you hate country music because you’ve only listened to twangy ass-hats who warble about planting an American made boot in a middle eastern countries posterior. There are some fucking awesome bands out there that are classified as country. Here’s a chronicle of a hip-hop writer’s odyssey into country music.

Post Marriage Questions:

How was the wedding?

It was a wedding. Have you been to one or seen one on TV? Yes? It was like that, but I was the bride & Jared was the groom.

How was your honeymoon?

Do you really want me to tell you that we went to a tropical paradise & had a lot of sex & were drunk when we weren’t having sex? Yes? OK – that’s what we did. We also went zip lining.

How’s married life treating you?

Default answer: Exactly the same as pre-married life, but we wear more jewelry.

We are drama free (thank heavens). We’re boring. Marriage did not change that one iota & that's how we like it.

When are you having kids/getting pregnant?

F.U.C.K. You. To. Death.

Do I ask what’s going on in YOUR reproductive organs? How are those labia hanging? How’s the ole’ ballsack? No? I didn’t ask that? Maybe it’s because I have an ounce of restraint. I also do not give a shit about your unwashed baby maker.

Do not ask me about my uterus.